The monkey mind.
In the last few weeks I’ve had some major wobbles! A month ago, I was feeling motivated, hopeful and invincible then bang, I fell into a pit of hopelessness and a ‘why am I even bothering?’ state of mind. This period was not fun and while I think I’m still in it, it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. I’m not exactly sure what triggered me. Suddenly, this all seemed so hard, so pointless. I mean what hope does a first-time unpublished writer, with nothing but a good story, have of finding an agent, let alone getting a book published? I must be living in dreamland.
This isn’t a diary, so I’m not here to offload but rather to try and understand how and why these feelings came up, because I’m pretty sure we all experience it to differing degrees. By working through mine, I hope it might be of help with any uncomfortable feelings you are experiencing.
Why (not) me?
It’s so easy, to fall into the abyss, which ultimately if you don’t try to consciously work through it, could stop you in your tracks for a long time, if not permanently. I know these feelings are normal and to be expected, but it’s so easy to get caught totally off-guard by it and consumed by thoughts of failure. I think it’s because life isn’t fair and we inherently know that. it isn’t divided up equally and luck and synchronicity have way more to do with it, then we want to believe. Things outside of the craft, like social media followings, matter way more than we’d like to admit. The harsh truth is, everyone has a book in them, so what makes me or you so special?
Only do it, if you love it.
Feeling unsure and uncomfortable in this process, where right now the future is unknown, will naturally bring up feelings of inadequacies and imposter syndrome. Once these thoughts get triggered, it can spiral with such intensity, stopping us dead in our tracks. Suddenly all our focus goes to the outcome. One day, I’d love to be a commercially successful author and entrepreneur. I can wish for it all I want though, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. This thought consumed me, until I asked myself one question. ‘Am I loving what I’m doing and if I stopped would I regret it?’ The answer was YES a thousand times over, so therefore I have no choice but to carry on, because I would never want to go back to where I was just a few years ago, when I had no outlet for creative expression.
Now as my dreams have expanded, so have my goals and therein lies the problem. I have allowed myself to become so fixated on the outcome, that I have forgotten about the journey. I forgot that I just love doing what I’m doing. I forgot the real reason I started writing in the first place. So that one day, my daughter would have the story of her family in her hands.
So if this post has spoken to where you are in this journey, let’s make a commitment to reframe this. Let’s think of this as an experiment, to see if writers like us, have a chance of fulfilling our writing ambitions and that if we don’t, it’s ok. Life is too short to live in fear of the unknown, so let’s just embrace the journey. It’s all we’ve got in the end.
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