Ammai

View Original

Looking back.

Kavita Doray

The nights have well and truly drawn in and the end of the year is fast approaching so now is the perfect time for looking back. How has your year been for you? What have you done that you are proud of, what do you wish you had done better, have you stopped to saviour the highs and most importantly, have you worked through the lows?

Rather than give you the shiny positive version of how my year has gone, even though I want this post to be motivational, it’s also important that I’m truthful. Looking back, I started 2023 with all the positivity, dreams and determination in the world but as we coast towards the end of the year, I’m feeling flat and despondent because all the goals I built for myself that I spent the year trying to manifest, didn’t happen. But this isn’t going to be a woe-is-me post because while I’ll start with what I’ve been feeling aka the doubts, fears and insecurity and how my mind plays tricks on me, I will follow with the truth and then actions and goals for 2024.  I hope by doing so, this will be helpful for you too, if any of this resonates with you.

The feelings;

  1. I thought I’d be ready to send my manuscript out to agents by September but I’m only a third through my redraft.  I don’t think I’ll never achieve my goals

  2. I’ve been blogging for a year and don’t have a single follower to speak of. I probably shouldn’t admit that but as no-one is following it doesn’t really matter

  3. I finally set up my social media accounts which in itself took six months and started posting video content only to be told it didn’t make sense. Was just one person’s feedback but I knew it was true. Why did I bother?

  4. I pinned everything on getting through to the next round of the Bridport memoir awards and didn’t. It must be a reflection of my story and/or writing. I should just give up

  5. I care too much what people will think of me. They will think I’m wasting my time or just won’t care so I may as well not try

  6. Looking back, I feel like I have nothing to show for all my hard work this year

I was in a fog carrying the weight of all of the above until I happened upon a podcast episode by Mel Robbin
How To Manifest Anything You Want a few days ago. I don’t know if you believe in manifestation but we all do it whether its intentional or not because we all have dreams and goals we want to achieve. If like me, you have tried to intentionally manifest your goals by focusing on the end goal i.e the dream house, the publishing deal and making a vision board then it turns out we’ve been doing it wrong. According to the guiding principles as laid out in this podcast, there is a scientifically-proven method of manifesting which involves changing the neuro-pathways in our brain and literally changing the way we think. Because here is the crux, all the things I said above about how I really feel when looking back, this is what I am going to be manifesting, not what’s on my vision board.

The way we should be manifesting is not by dreaming obsessively of the end goal; the published book; 100,000 followers etc but to instead imagine living through the blood, sweat, tears and disappointments and still carrying on, still taking a step at a time, despite whatever obstacles come your way. To imagine yourself writing everyday, even when you are tired, sad or really busy, and when its dark and cold outside. To imagine yourself posting content while feeling scared, exposed, vulnerable and doing it anyway, that sort of thing. To keep going in the face of adversity, despondency and laziness. To just keep going.

I’m grateful to this podcast because after listening to it, something shifted inside and light managed to slip through the cracks. I think its because this way of manifesting doesn’t rely on me being lucky or the chosen one favoured by the hands of destiny, but instead makes it all about the process, something I’m in total control of.

So what is the truth;

  1. I’ve been learning the craft of storytelling. This has taken time and I’m really proud of what I’ve done so far. Its a completely different and better book because of it

  2. This time last year, I didn’t have the first clue about how to build a website and knew nothing about writing blogs and making videos

  3. No-one, apart from friends have read my blog because I’ve done absolutely nothing to promote it

  4. Despite this, I have worked on my blog consistently and have not missed a month because I love the process. I like that it doesn’t take me long to write and post a blog now.

  5. I am learning the craft of video production, feeling comfortable with being in front of the camera, of trying not to be so self-critical of how I look

  6. I’m glad I knew when to stop and reset, it’s a useful skill. I am clearer on the purpose of my social media channels and it feels right. I’ve recorded new content ready to launch in the new year

  7. I entered one competition with only twelve writers being long-listed. It’s ridiculous that I pinned all my value on this to prove whether I could write or not

  8. Caring too much about what others think of me,  is stopping me from putting myself out there. I’m literally getting in my own way and that’s the worst

  9. I have spent this year trying to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and have realised that the feeling of being uncomfortable when doing new scary stuff is never going to get easier. This is important to know.

And I thought I had wasted my year? This is a perfect example of how our minds can play such tricks on us.


By looking back and working through my feelings and then the actual truth, I’ve now been able to reset. To really think intentionally and realistically about what my goals are for next year.  I recently came across something Bill Gates said, which resonated with me and that is, that we massively overestimate what we can get done in one year but massively underestimate what we can get done in 10. This is so true because end goals don’t work to our timings the only thing that is completely in our hands is how we move towards our goals and how consistent and intentional we are.

So now my goals for 2024 are;

  1. To work on my manuscript consistently, one chapter a week

  2. To actively put myself out there and stop hiding to;
    -  start promoting my blog and video content on Facebook and YouTube
    -  start posting book reviews on TikTok
    - to enter as many competitions as I can

  3. To not care what others think of me. To live in a way that makes me feel proud, to do the scary stuff, to just do it

  4. To enjoy life and not have any expectations

If you are going through any of these experiences and feelings, please know you are not alone and I hope this post has been helpful. Remember when it feels pointless, that’s the point at which you have to keep going.  Have a wonderful Xmas and New Year’s, it’s time to relax and down tools and appreciate all the hard work you’ve done this year and the progress you’ve made, so enjoy it. I’ll speak to you on the other side.

X